Going to places, eating in a restaurant, having a cup of coffee, strolling… these are the things I refused to do… ALONE. I’d rather stay at home and read a book than go to a place I really love just by myself. I’m willing to starve myself if that means not eating in a restaurant alone. Yes, I was that kind of a person. I didn’t like doing stuff alone. I always needed someone, somebody to be with me. That was me.
But no… not these days anymore. Three weeks ago, I went to a mall and ate alone. It was a strange experience. I did not even mind the stares I received, or maybe I was too sad to mind them. You see, recently I felt like an outcast to the world I was so comfortable and familiar with. It’s hard to reach out to everybody; nobody’s even willing to drink coffee with me because they were too busy.
And I felt it.
I was lonely.
For a week, I would stay late at night pretending to be doing something important, but honestly, I was just waiting. A message from someone maybe? A notification. A hello. Anything, anyone reaching out for me.
No one did.
And that’s when I figured everything out. I was by myself. I found it ironic and funny at first, but I also felt sadness. That’s when reality hits me. I needed it. I needed that loneliness, that sadness to realize that no, I can never be alone. Sure there was nobody reaching out for me, but I found myself talking. I found myself asking questions. I found myself confiding.
I was never really ALONE.
I found Him.
It was surreal. I felt lonely, but then I was talking to somebody. Subconsciously, I was able to overcome my fear of being lonely, because hey, He was there! He is here. And for the first time in my life, I realized that it is fun to be lonely, because being lonely means an intimate time with Him.
The lies you’ve told, the tears I’ve hold
The annoying smile you have when you’re so sure I’m buying your deceptions
The tales of your “I’m sorry”, “I’ve changed” and other bullshits you utter as you hold my hand
I held everything in, I’ll hold everything in.
For you not to get hurt
For you not to be disappointed with yourself
For you not to blame yourself.
I’ll give you forgiveness like I did in the past, for
I know you’ll change (but only for a short period of time). And
I’ll continue playing blind, and playing dumb
Because I love you
despite of your lies I’m drowned with
despite the changes I’ll forever wish
despite all these doubts in my head
I’ll still hold your hand and prevent you from drowning
I’ll still hug you and protect you from the reflections of your sins
I’ll love you
even if that means I’ll be drowning with you
even if that means I’ll be wearing the cuts and bruises from hugging you
I’ll love you until you learn to love yourself
I’ll love you until I have given you everything, and
I’ll still love you even if it means I’ll be left with nothing.