Mahal Kita Kaya Papakawalan na Kita

Mahal kita kaya papakawalan na kita. Mahal kita kaya hahayaan kong maging masaya ka. 

Mahal kita, minamahal kita, at alam kong sa hinaharap mamahalin pa rin kita. 

Mahal kita, katulad ng kung paano ko hinahanap ang kape sa umaga. Na parang ang hirap harapin ng araw kapag wala ka. Na parang hindi matatapos ang araw kapag wala ka. Na katulad ng kape, hahanapin kita tuwing ako’y nilalamig. Hahanapin kita kapag kailangan ko ng lakas para bumangon sa umaga. Mahal kita katulad ng kung paano ako napapasaya ng buwan sa gabi. Na kahit anong hirap ng buong araw, nandiyan ka pa rin sa aking tabi, handang buuin ang araw ko. Nandiyan ka para ipaalala na palaging mayroong pag-asa. Andiyan para sabihin na may naghihintay para sa akin. Andiyan ka para ipaalala na saan mang dako ng mundo, nandun ka, nangangarap sa parehong buwan ng tinititigan ko.

Minamahal kita katulad ng kung paanong kailangan ng linya ang kanta. Minamahal kita sa kung paanong hindi mabubuo ang kanta ng walang salita. Sa kung paanong walang saysay ang bawat nota, ang kahit anong musika, kung wala ka. Minamahal kita katulad ng kung paanong hindi makakalipad ang ibon ng walang pakpak. Na upang upang maging malaya at masaya, kailangan kita. Na upang maabot ang mga pangarap, kaagapay ka. Na kung paano makakapunta sa kawalan ng may kasiguruhan, kailangan kita. Na kung paanong makakabalik sa oras ng labis na pagsisi, kasama pa rin kita. 

At mamahalin pa rin kita. Mamahalin kita hanggat may naamoy akong kape sa umaga. Mamahalin kita hanggang may buwan akong nakikita. Mamahalin kita hanggang may musikang tumutugtog, hanggang may ibong lumilipad. Hanggang buhay ang bawat tula na inialay ko sayo, habang alam kong ang bawat paggising ko ay alay ko sayo… mamahalin pa rin kita. At oo, mamahalin pa rin kita kahit mas pinili mong lumayo dahil masyadong mapait ang dulot ng presensya ko sayo. Dahil ang buwan ay parusa sa paningin mo. Dahil ang musika ay lason sa tenga mo, at inggit ang dulot ng ibon para sayo. 

Kahit hindi ko maintindihan kung paanong kahit anong kasing tamis ng kape ang ngiti ko sayo, gayong pait naman ang ganti mo. Na tuwing sinasabi ko sayo kung anong saya ko sa pagtingala sa buwan, sobra naman ang lungkot mo. At bawat musikang pinapakinggan ko, hinagpis ang nakikita ko sa mga mata mo. At inggit, dahil sabi mo, ang mga ibon ay malaya, samantalang ikaw, nakakulong sa hawla ng mga tula ko. Mahal pa rin kita. Kaya heto, papalayain kita. Papakawalan kita. Dahil alam kong saka ka lamang sasaya. At pangako, hinding hindi na kita alalalahanin sa bawat tula na aking isusulat. Dahil titigil na ako, dahil alam kong sa bawat letra na isusulat ko, ikaw pa rin ang maaalala at laman ng mga ito. At alam kong masasaktan na naman kita, kaya heto… papakawalan kita dahil mahal na mahal kita.

In Loneliness, I Found Him

Going to places, eating in a restaurant, having a cup of coffee, strolling… these are the things I refused to do… ALONE. I’d rather stay at home and read a book than go to a place I really love just by myself. I’m willing to starve myself if that means not eating in a restaurant alone. Yes, I was that kind of a person. I didn’t like doing stuff alone. I always needed someone, somebody to be with me. That was me.

But no… not these days anymore. Three weeks ago, I went to a mall and ate alone. It was a strange experience. I did not even mind the stares I received, or maybe I was too sad to mind them. You see, recently I felt like an outcast to the world I was so comfortable and familiar with. It’s hard to reach out to everybody; nobody’s even willing to drink coffee with me because they were too busy.

And I felt it.

I did.

I was lonely.

For a week, I would stay late at night pretending to be doing something important, but honestly, I was just waiting. A message from someone maybe? A notification. A hello. Anything, anyone reaching out for me.

No one.

No one did.

And that’s when I figured everything out. I was by myself. I found it ironic and funny at first, but I also felt sadness. That’s when reality hits me. I needed it. I needed that loneliness, that sadness to realize that no, I can never be alone. Sure there was nobody reaching out for me, but I found myself talking. I found myself asking questions. I found myself confiding.

I was never really ALONE.

 I found Him.

It was surreal. I felt lonely, but then I was talking to somebody. Subconsciously, I was able to overcome my fear of being lonely, because hey, He was there! He is here. And for the first time in my life, I realized that it is fun to be lonely, because being lonely means an intimate time with Him.

madly in love

The lies you’ve told, the tears I’ve hold

The annoying smile you have when you’re so sure I’m buying your deceptions

The tales of your “I’m sorry”, “I’ve changed” and other bullshits you utter as you hold my hand

I held everything in, I’ll hold everything in.

For you

For you not to get hurt

For you not to be disappointed with yourself

For you not to blame yourself.

I’ll give you forgiveness like I did in the past, for

I know you’ll change (but only for a short period of time). And

I’ll continue playing blind, and playing dumb

Because I love you

despite of your lies I’m drowned with

despite the changes I’ll forever wish

despite all these doubts in my head

I’ll still hold your hand and prevent you from drowning

I’ll still hug you and protect you from the reflections of your sins

I’ll love you

even if that means I’ll be drowning with you

even if that means I’ll be wearing the cuts and bruises from hugging you

I’ll love you until you learn to love yourself

I’ll love you until I have given you everything, and

I’ll still love you even if it means I’ll be left with nothing.