An Open Letter to the “Guy” Who Promised to Stay, But Still Left Anyway

 

                Four weeks ago, on my birthday, your goodnight message was the same as the rest of your goodnight messages. You assured me that you would stay, that you love me, and reminded me that I just turned 25, thus, an adult who should be focusing on our future together. But the next day, everything fell apart.

                We met in high school, and after 13 years of no constant communication, we finally had the chance to continue the puppy love we had. I was hesitant at first.

                You knew I was afraid of relationships. You knew it scared me to be with someone. But you were persistent, telling me you were better than those I loved before. You assured me you were different. And so, I let you in my life.

                We were very much in love. You were consistent, you were the sweetest, the most clingy and needy person, you cared for me, and more importantly, you loved me. There was even a time that I wrote in my diary how your love scares me, because I didn’t know how to handle that kind of love. But you said I deserved it, and I believed you.

                But then you started at this job where you met new faces, and you started fading. Our pictures, your sweet posts kept disappearing from your profile. Your calls delayed, and shorter; our dates being cancelled.

                I knew it then. I knew something was wrong. I asked you, and you said you were just busy and tired at work. I knew you were lying, so I asked for a break up, but then you cried and begged me to trust you and believe your words. I let it go and believed you. I tried to trust you some more, but our fights became frequent. I knew something was off. I knew someone has entered our relationship. But again, you cried and put the blame on me. Told me I was immature, that I should understand that you were just fed up with work and all. I couldn’t leave you because I thought it was me who got it all wrong.

                Until that day at church. We were asked to do the offering, and the priest blessed and prayed for us afterwards. You told me, “O, ayan na ha. Binless na tayo ni father kaya bawal ka na kumawala sa ‘kin.” Later that night, I convinced myself that it was me and my insecurities that I should work on. I told myself you were right to say that it was me destroying our relationship. And so I chose to stay.

                And then four weeks ago, on my birthday, you told me I was doing a good job. I should continue trusting you, not doubtful. But the next day…

                A girl messaged me. Confirming, providing answers to my whys. Why was your phone turned off the whole day, why did you come home very late, why were your calls at night shorter,  most of the times late, why did you cancel our date, why did you not come to church with me… all these whys were answered by her messages.

                I gave you a chance to explain. I told you that whatever you say, I will believe. You just laugh it off, asking me what for. All I heard from you was,”Gawa gawa naman yan lahat.” But hey, when we talked you did not deny anything. And you just kept saying sorry.

                Oh well, too bad. Today would’ve been our first year together. Some things never last eh?

                I cannot say you destroyed me, though I still cry every day. Don’t get me wrong, I cry because I am still hurt. I am hurt that I loved someone who lied to me over and over and over. I cry because I thought you were the answer to my prayers. ( Remember my letter to you on my birthday? Kung binasa mo.)

                I cry because I let myself drown with things that made me temporarily happy. I cry because of  this ocean of heavy promises, plans, and memories you made for me, with me. The more I try to swim up, they push me down.

                I cry because I know I am at fault as well. I cry because I am sorry for myself.

                But I cannot stay drowned. I am not the kind of person who would stay this way. I am actually excited to wake up one day and not feel sorry for myself anymore.

                So this is my form of letting you go. I know the pain will stay, but you and your memories should go now. Despite the pain you caused me, I still wish you happiness, I still pray for you. This is my forgiveness to myself, for not guarding my heart well.

I gave you so much love that I think I am empty now.

                Alam ko ngayon na may bago ka na. I know you talk to her at night, alam kong palagi kayong magka chat at text. And okay na sa ‘kin yun. Ikaw yan eh. Hindi ako galit sayo, mas galit ako sa sarili ko na hinayaan kitang ganituhin ako. Hindi ako galit sa inyo. Ginusto niyo lang naman maging masaya eh. Sino bang ayaw sumaya di ba? Pero tulad nga ng sinabi mo, tapos na lahat eh. I just want you to know, and the girl as well, that I forgive you. Wala ni isa sa inyo humingi ng tawad ko, pero ibibigay ko sa inyo yun for my peace of mind. And sana, sa susunod na sasabihin niyo in love kayo, yung totoo na. Yung wala na kayong masasaktan na ibang tao. Kasi yun naman talaga yung love eh.

                This is my last letter for you. A goodbye letter to you, your promises, and our memories. And now, I finally realize…

                I fell in love with a boy…

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all those nights I stayed up late waiting for you

all those dates you cancelled

all those late nights you called

all those Sundays I went to church alone

i asked you

if I had done something wrong

if I said something awful

if you were bothered with something

you laughed it all off

saying I was overthinking

telling me to trust you a little more

asking me to believe you, and your words

only to find out

you were with another girl

eating dinner with her, while I wait for you to come home

watching movies with her, when I always asked you to watch with me, you said you were busy

going on dates with her, while I stay home wondering what you were up to

spending valentine’s day with her, while I stayed up late waiting for your message, hoping for a little surprise from you

love, you said I was at fault

for doubting you and your words

for thinking you were dishonest

for asking you thoughtless things

and I said sorry

many times

though I didn’t know what I did wrong

I said sorry

for things I did and didn’t do

and you said it’s okay

because you love me

you told me to change

and to believe in you

and I did love

because I love you

because I believe in you

I did

because I loved you

because I believed in you

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Your touch brings me ripples of excitement

Your voice makes me forget my sleepiness

I crave your hug the way I crave coffee in the morning

I long for your kiss, every minute I utter your name

 
It’s a strange thing, these feelings you bring

I forget what I went through whenever I hear you say “I love you”

In times of discomfort, your hug I’m sure would be my only cure

And hell I know I wouldn’t sleep properly at night without hearing you say good night

 
Things have changed ever since you came back

I started to forget every bitterness I said about falling in love

You see, the things I do for you, it’s a new version of me

A version which I think is better than what I used to be

 
I love you, I’m quite sure of it love

Don’t ask me why, for a day of explaining might not be enough

I love you, can’t you just accept it for now?

Then let’s spend every day showing how we adore each other so much

Iyong mga Mata

Kay sarap titigan

Nakakabighaning pakinggan

Ang mga mensaheng nilalaman

Ng iyong mga matang madalas mong ipikit sa katotohanan

Pigilan mo mang pilit

Itago mo man lahat ng sakit

Sa puso’t isipan ko’y di mawawaglit

Ang mga nakalasaming tuwa, hiya, lungkot at galit

Sa kanila, mukha mo ay kay saya

Binubulag at binibingi mo sila sa iyong mga tawa

Nilulunod mo sila, pati na iyong sarili sa mga kwentong masaya

At sa sobrang galing mong magtago, lahat sila iyong napaniwala

Lahat sila, pero hindi ako

Na sa gitna ng iyong pagtawa, mga mata mo’y lalabo

Sa pagpigil sa mga luha mong pagod na rin sa pagtulo

Na ang bawat biro ay senyales na madalas ay gusto mo na ring sumuko

Ang halakhak, pati palakpak, sumisimbolo ng bawat mong pagkakabigo

At habang lahat sila magiliw na nakikisayaw sa iyong tawa

Naroon ako sa sulok, nagmamasid, at aking nakikita

Na ang iyong mga mata

Isinisigaw nito ang mga salitang pagod ka nang bigkasin pa

Tama na, ayoko na

Tama na, ayoko na

Tama na, ayoko na.