Four weeks ago, on my birthday, your goodnight message was the same as the rest of your goodnight messages. You assured me that you would stay, that you love me, and reminded me that I just turned 25, thus, an adult who should be focusing on our future together. But the next day, everything fell apart.
We met in high school, and after 13 years of no constant communication, we finally had the chance to continue the puppy love we had. I was hesitant at first.
You knew I was afraid of relationships. You knew it scared me to be with someone. But you were persistent, telling me you were better than those I loved before. You assured me you were different. And so, I let you in my life.
We were very much in love. You were consistent, you were the sweetest, the most clingy and needy person, you cared for me, and more importantly, you loved me. There was even a time that I wrote in my diary how your love scares me, because I didn’t know how to handle that kind of love. But you said I deserved it, and I believed you.
But then you started at this job where you met new faces, and you started fading. Our pictures, your sweet posts kept disappearing from your profile. Your calls delayed, and shorter; our dates being cancelled.
I knew it then. I knew something was wrong. I asked you, and you said you were just busy and tired at work. I knew you were lying, so I asked for a break up, but then you cried and begged me to trust you and believe your words. I let it go and believed you. I tried to trust you some more, but our fights became frequent. I knew something was off. I knew someone has entered our relationship. But again, you cried and put the blame on me. Told me I was immature, that I should understand that you were just fed up with work and all. I couldn’t leave you because I thought it was me who got it all wrong.
Until that day at church. We were asked to do the offering, and the priest blessed and prayed for us afterwards. You told me, “O, ayan na ha. Binless na tayo ni father kaya bawal ka na kumawala sa ‘kin.” Later that night, I convinced myself that it was me and my insecurities that I should work on. I told myself you were right to say that it was me destroying our relationship. And so I chose to stay.
And then four weeks ago, on my birthday, you told me I was doing a good job. I should continue trusting you, not doubtful. But the next day…
A girl messaged me. Confirming, providing answers to my whys. Why was your phone turned off the whole day, why did you come home very late, why were your calls at night shorter, most of the times late, why did you cancel our date, why did you not come to church with me… all these whys were answered by her messages.
I gave you a chance to explain. I told you that whatever you say, I will believe. You just laugh it off, asking me what for. All I heard from you was,”Gawa gawa naman yan lahat.” But hey, when we talked you did not deny anything. And you just kept saying sorry.
Oh well, too bad. Today would’ve been our first year together. Some things never last eh?
I cannot say you destroyed me, though I still cry every day. Don’t get me wrong, I cry because I am still hurt. I am hurt that I loved someone who lied to me over and over and over. I cry because I thought you were the answer to my prayers. ( Remember my letter to you on my birthday? Kung binasa mo.)
I cry because I let myself drown with things that made me temporarily happy. I cry because of this ocean of heavy promises, plans, and memories you made for me, with me. The more I try to swim up, they push me down.
I cry because I know I am at fault as well. I cry because I am sorry for myself.
But I cannot stay drowned. I am not the kind of person who would stay this way. I am actually excited to wake up one day and not feel sorry for myself anymore.
So this is my form of letting you go. I know the pain will stay, but you and your memories should go now. Despite the pain you caused me, I still wish you happiness, I still pray for you. This is my forgiveness to myself, for not guarding my heart well.
I gave you so much love that I think I am empty now.
Alam ko ngayon na may bago ka na. I know you talk to her at night, alam kong palagi kayong magka chat at text. And okay na sa ‘kin yun. Ikaw yan eh. Hindi ako galit sayo, mas galit ako sa sarili ko na hinayaan kitang ganituhin ako. Hindi ako galit sa inyo. Ginusto niyo lang naman maging masaya eh. Sino bang ayaw sumaya di ba? Pero tulad nga ng sinabi mo, tapos na lahat eh. I just want you to know, and the girl as well, that I forgive you. Wala ni isa sa inyo humingi ng tawad ko, pero ibibigay ko sa inyo yun for my peace of mind. And sana, sa susunod na sasabihin niyo in love kayo, yung totoo na. Yung wala na kayong masasaktan na ibang tao. Kasi yun naman talaga yung love eh.
This is my last letter for you. A goodbye letter to you, your promises, and our memories. And now, I finally realize…
I fell in love with a boy…